Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, the Commissioner of the Menace II Sobriety Fantasy Football League is looking for YOUR vote...TODAY...ELECTION DAY! My opponents...all 11 of them...have littered the fake-airwaves with garbage that would make a sanitation collection engineer smile. This election is not about jobs, taxes, hurricanes, or out of control debt. It's about touchdowns, catches, yards, and even the occsional field goal. If you vote for me, I promise you lots and lots of points, 6 at a time if you're lucky. My opponents will try to trick you and deceive you with fancy images of Austrarian Beer, Mexican/Antarctic dances, Nintendo, and even full frontal nudity, but you have to look through the lies. You have to believe. Keep your commissioner in power...er...office for 4 more years and MIISFFL will forever reign supreme!
I'm the MIISFFL commisioner and I approved this message...sort of...blame my Super PAC.
Yes, America, today is Election Day, and whether your personal preference is for elephants or jackasses, everyone can agree that we will always vote for MIISFFL fantasy football. Let's take a look at some of the other ballot items for you to ponder this year:
Heros of Techmo or Chippy Dogs
Martin-Dougian for Beer or QuaJizzed Tates (you better vote for Martin or he'll sick the pirates on you!)
New York City Marathoners or Door #2
Generic Mom Bombs or Vince McMahon's wife (Is this Connecticut?)
Teachers Unions or Nudist Colonies
This week, we did have one matchup removed from the ballot, because both participants were not fit for office. In our first ever Past Champions Futility Bowl, Zach tried to save his political face as he positions himself for a future run for president of Tierra Del Fuego. The commissioner, already in a solid position of authority within MIISFFL and sure of a landslide reelection, in his infinite generosity, decided that it was in the best interest of the people to allow Ron Antarctica a historic win in this first matchup of its kind. Philip Rivers had a good game by his standards on Thursday, but good games from him only equate to mediocre games for everyone else. Zach had Carolina Cam who "feasted" on the Redskins' excuse for a defense to the tune of 23 points. Elsewhere, point totals in this one were about what you would expect, lame. Zach won vaulting him into 9th place. Caputo's Corner has bigger fish to fry.
In our Commissioner's request recap of the week, Kent asks, "Nick, make sure you mention that I would have beaten all but the participants in the JP-Andy game this week in losing to the nutbust of the week, Doug Martin." Yes, Kent, this means that you only had the 4th highest point total in the league, and there were a total of 3 teams that would have beaten you. That also means that you did NOT win the weekly scoring pot. Every week, somebody is going to put up the highest total, and this week it was Dewey. If you want some sort of consolation prize, the Redskins lost their last home game before the election (oh is that not a consolation this week?). By the way, where the hell did Doug Martin come from? He could have single handedly beaten about half the fantasy teams in the country on Sunday? Is there such a thing as a 57-burger? If there is, Martin had a face full of one. Peterson put up 34 in a supporting role (grumble grumble), and Kent stood no chance.
Speaking of JP and Andy, JP got back to his winning ways to take sole possession of first place in the Greene Turtles division thanks to a slugfest of a 139-132 win. Both sides traded body blows during the 1PM block as both teams racked up huge point totals. Andy, however, falls into Caputo's Corner territory with a overall point total that would make Jeff Newman proud. Bad luck has been the story of Andy's season. On the other hand, JP is in good position following this win, but a hard charging Dewey is making a late advertising buy in Pennsylvania to try to swing voters back in his direction. JP counters with a door-knocking campaign and charter buses to get as much Techmo-heads to the polls as possible.
Gaz has effectively put a sleeper hold on the Pub Dogs division with a 12 point win over Pat Deegan. His campaign of more jobs, less clothes resonated with voters on the campaign trail this week as Gaz with endorsements in the way of double-digit scoring from all but 1 of his positions. The San Diego defense attempted to vote twice in favor of Deegan, but Tijuana is still part of Mexico so the election judge saw through that scam. In other news, Kyle Rudolph was supposed to vote today, but missed his bus. Gaz is now 3 games up in the division and can potentially close it out at the League Meeting in two weeks.
In this week's matchup of teams that Caputo's Corner would have given a run for their money, the Extreme Team took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended up at Benghazi. The Bombs fizzled a little bit, but had just enough explosion and just enough lack of a response. Jordy Nelson was KOed in the first quarter and the Dolphins D played like the Dolphins D, but average performances from the rest of the skill positions and duds from Tom's studs led Jeff to the squeaker win. Jeff's win does virtually nothing for his position in the Pub Dogs division thanks to Cruz-Gaz, but Tom's loss (along with Kent's) drops him out of the first place tie in the Greene Turtles division, but still a full game clear of Dewey for the last playoff spot...but if Doug Martin keeps doing his thing.........
Finally this week, Patrick Small becomes the last player with any mathematical chance (emphasis on mathematical) of catching Gaz in the Pub Dogs division thanks to a 121-77 win over Sean. Patrick might have won this primary, but the general election will be an uphill battle for the quasi-footracers making up a 3-game deficit. Once again this week, Patrick makes the correct quarterback decision starting Peyton over RGIII to be his campaign manager (also filling out the ticket running for sheriff). If Yahoo projected points led to wins and losses, Sean might very well be on his way to the Menace Bowl, but yet another underwhelming performance from the likes of Vick and Nicks (6.68 points combined) leaves Sean one week closer to the draft board.
Next week, the transition teams take over as the lame duck session for several teams has already started. All interdivisional next week as we focus on:
Zach-Sean (Zach can get used to beating up on the little guys)
Kent-Patrick Small (The runners get in a sticky situation)
Nick-Tom (Tom looks to keep pace against the not-so-lame commissioner)
JP-Gaz (Potential Menace Bowl preview with division lead on the line)
Dewey-Jeff (Dewey looks to keep the heat on against the Bomb Squad)
Patrick Deegan-Andy (Schooling the ChipUpDogs)
Our League Meeting is just 2 weeks away! For those of you who may not be familiar, the League Meeting is the one week we ask everyone to just take some time to visit us at the Greene Turtle. This way we can have a fantasy bash and you can actually look your opponent in the eye. It always is a good time. We'll be at the Greene Turtle at 1PM. Be there!!!
Nick
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