Raise your hand if you thought we'd be doing this this long.
Me neither.
In offseason news, the commissioner's attempt to Ebeneezer Scrooge everyone out of $15 was foiled by none other than the official villain of MIISFFL: Kent. Who knows? That $15 could have been used for hurricane relief. Kent ought to be ashamed of himself.
Ezekiel Elliott was suspended, but just like Tom the Deflator before him, has had his suspension overturned by a judge who doesn't football, which in turn has been appealed to more judges who don't play football, by a commissioner who also doesn't play (or know) football. Meanwhile, the little Ewok that could celebrated by having a party on the Love Boat. I hear that Fred Smoot has been hired to be entertainment director.
Finally, despite numerous unsuccessful attempts at punting us in the posterior, 2013 champion Eddie Campbell has finally decided to courageously quit. In his place we welcome the newest member to the MIISFFL roost:
BRUCE HOFFMAN!
At least that's a nice jacket. Bruce comes to us from the Regal Entertainment Group in Hunt Valley. In his spare time he drinks Natty Boh and wishes he could ride motorcycles or fly F-18 jets. He also roots for the Ravens, like half of the dopes in the league, so he has zero originality. He did the good rookie thing and took his L this weekend, but not without a pesky performance on his part. Details forthcoming.
How did the champ do? Dewey got his 2017 season off to a nailbiting start against the commissioner...like...he's out of fingers and toes. On Sunday, Leonard Fournette did damage against Nick's Houston Defense and Jordy Nelson got off to a slow start but found the end zone after a patented A-a-ron caught-you-with-your-pants-down-and-with-12-men-on-the-field move. David Johnson hurt his wrist on Sunday to keep his production down, and could be out for a while in what would be a drastic turn of events for the commish, but in this one it came down to a kicker on Monday Night out west. Brandon McManus went 4-4 on kicks, but 3 of those were extra points and he closed a deficit down to 0.2, but no closer as Dewey barely escapes 102.18 to 101.98.
Game of the Week: Bruce made some questionable decisions in the draft this year, like taking Carson Wentz, but when he saw that the Redskins were on the Eagles Week 1 slate, he breathed a sigh of relief. Even still, that was not enough as Nate looks to have the early front-runner for Fantasy MVP in Kareem Hunt, who ran wild all over the vaunted Patriots front 7 in the first game on Thursday, earning himself the top player score for the week with 44. Double-digit scores from from 5 other positions were enough for Nate to get over 130 despite a -1 from the kicker. Bruce put up a valiant effort though, giving himself a chance on Monday Night with Stefon Diggs who posted 24, but it was not enough as Keenan Allen dropped the hammer in the nightcap with 12 more to establish Nate as an early favorite. Nate wins 130-114
Blowout of the Week: It's been a good year so far for Jeff. He got engaged......he got engaged? And oh yeah his fantasy team for the first time in a long time shows some signs of relevancy. Taking on Chris, who floundered and flopped at the end of last year to miss the playoffs for the first time since he joined, he had to climb out of an early deficit and Tyreek Hill raced out for 25 points on Thursday against the vaunted Patriots secondary. Alas that would be pretty much all the offense Chris could muster as Russell Wilson laid an egg, Davante Adams only caught 3 balls, and Hunter Henry put up a donut. For Jeff, Antonio Brown cancelled out Hill, and a whopping 36 from Jacksonville's D (Yes you read that right. That is not a typo) gave Jeff the high score for the week and picked Chris up right where he left off at the end of 2016, Jeff winning 134-88.
Futility Bowl: A little consistency in the fantasy world is a good thing. After nearly joining Eddie in the abyss of post-MIISFFL retirement, Sean thought he would give it one last dance at least. He was rewarded for his efforts in week 1, not because of some ingenious draft strategy or shrewd last minute roster moves. No. He was rewarded by the schedule. And by the schedule I mean he drew JP. And by JP I mean the dude who landed the #1 overall pick (again) and could not crack 70 points (again). New England D coughing up -2 and Le'Veon Bell (former MVP if you can believe it) only posting 6 were a tad surprising to be sure, but when they found out they were on JP's team, they quietly reworked their contracts to allow for extra levels of futility. Sean could have rested his starters, but he got 20 points each from Carr and Shady McCoy to overcome a negative score from Jamison Crowder (of course) and his seemingly annual overreliance on all things New York Giants to score an early 86-65 win.
This week's other scores:
Patrick def. Tom 108-87
Zach def. Kent 115-91
Weekly Pot Winner: Jeff (134 points)
Thanks for a lousy week 1, and to our official blog watchers (Steve, Jabarie, and now Eddie as member emeritus) for absolutely nothing. See everyone next week!
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