Tom gladly conceded the Ray Rice spotlight to Jeff this offseason, as the Ravenators conceded to doing most of their scouting at the state pens. Tom was in a melancholy mood since his scotch drinking buddy Andy decided to bid adieu to MIISFFL and Kent was unavailable to accept any prop bets due to his fantasy sabbatical. Without anyone with whom he could gamble, he made use of the sports book at Dover Downs...betting football parlays. All was well and good until he realized that he'd be betting on fútbol, and not football. Undaunted, he took a flyer on Brazil in the semifinals of that tournament. They're good at that game, right? Then Neymar broke his back, Germany scored a touchdown, and the Brazilians couldn't cover the spread. Ouch. Tom refocused his energy toward sweeping Kent in the AFC this year and ended up with a draft class that Yahoo at least thought was above average, especially when you consider the bold move of taking two kickers and a team defense in the 7th round. Some people just have to be different.
Zach, the 2011 champion, has not lived up to his championship potential in the 2 years since he last won the crown. While Tom was at the casino, Zach spent his offseason imbibing on cabernet savignon, port, and pinot grigio. The vineyards of Virginia thank him for his business. It was necessary to drown his sorrows in fermented grapes as he spent his time in the cellar contemplating what ultimately would become the most difficult divorce of his life: separating himself from Carolina Cam Newton. You see, as has been well documented here at the mashup, Zach and Cam have a very special and unique relationship, one that had its highs and its lows, but in the end, there were too many irreconcilable differences. With a heavy heart, and wine glass, in his hand, Zach forged on and thought long and hard about who would be Cam's replacement. Well, this is who he had to choose, and I'll give you a hint. He makes Michael Vick look like a hero to dogs. It's going to be a long season for the fightin' Johnsons.
Speaking of quarterback failure, Dewey's attempt at being sneaky by keeping Colin Kaepernick didn't turn out the way he had originally intended. Injuries and RGIII-like performances sank Dewey to a sub-.500 record. Like Tom and Eddie, he decided to try to rejuvenate his fantasy mojo at the casino. He didn't go with anybody, just thought he could take a few bucks off some unsuspecting tourists and use it to pay for his league fee in 2014. However, the rest of the league membership strong-armed Dewey into playing with the league instead. Then Dewey started hemorrhaging dollars instead of pocketing them. The league thanks Dewey for covering everyone's league fees for 2014! Now broke, he took out his frustrations on Kent and Zach, fleecing them on trades (or so he thought) to improve his draft position. In the end, whatever advantage Dewey thought he had after all that wheeling and dealing went for naught as his genetic predisposition to homerism was on full display on draft day. Doug Martin, Mike Evans, and that Seferian-Jenkins guy would be in the unemployment line if Dewey was not generous enough to give them gainful employment.
Patrick has also come a long way since he won the title after the 2012 season. Full disclosure: I own a London Fletcher, Chris Cooley, and Robert Griffin III jersey. I feel like they would look better on Patrick. Once again, Patrick has completely putting his faith into the Washington Redskins, going so far as to draft Lache Seastrunk at the end of the draft. Who is Lache Seastrunk you ask? Lache Seastrunk could very well end up on the practice squad!!! RGIII is a calculated risk. Even I know better than to draft Lache Seastrunk! And if that wasn't enough, Patrick decided to channel the 2012 draft some more by taking Andrew Luck in the 2nd round: nice idea...horrendous execution. Yep, both RGIII and Luck share the same bye in week 10...along with the rest of his entire team! A little peer into the schedule future already has Gaz penciling in a win that week. Ordinarily such bold prognostications are taken with a grain of salt, but not this time. Gaz is gonna chalk one up as he will be facing either an entirely empty roster...or Appalachian State.
Wait. You mean they're on bye that week too???????
Continuing with the theme of falls from grace exhibited in the top half of this draft order, JP got his man. All he wanted was some of that Shadynasty that Kent was starving for all offseason, and Shady McCoy is exactly who JP got. Gone are the days of JP sniveling at the thought of Philadelphia Eagles on his fantasy team. Now his closet is chock full of Eagle green thanks to having not one but two Iggs on his roster after he kept Riley the Racist Cooper. JP even has one of those hideous blue and yellow throwbacks they wore back in 2007. HUT HUT HIKE!
Now that's a pretty picture. To go along with his Eagles representation, JP also decided to go with a QB trifecta highlighted by none other than Blake Bortles. I don't think there is anything more that needs to be said there.
We conclude our season preview...NOW. HAVE A GREAT SEASON EVERYONE!!!
GET BACK IN HERE! You're not getting off that easy, commish.
Oh, OK, if I must. What did I do with my offseason you ask? I tried to mold and shape the young minds of the world by pouring acid in sugar and lighting potato chips on fire. People do some strange things under duress, including this.
I guess that's the least punishment I should have to endure for the most horrendous season I have ever accumulated in fantasy (at least that went for a good cause). No amount of Sackos can compensate for the disaster that was Caputo's Corner in 2013, but that was last year. We are starting fresh this year in 2014. Gone is the shameless plug that was my team name and in its place we have paid homage to the greatest FAAB pickup in history: Orange Julius Thomas. Combine that with Miss Congeniality Jamaal Charles, Caputo's Corner is ripe for a return to the glory years of 2009 and 2010. OK maybe not, specially after week 1 when Kaepernick shreds his knee, Andre Johnson gets in a fight, Cecil Shorts loses his shorts, and CJ2K once again is CJ0K. It will be a long season in blog land yet again.
BUT THAT'S WHY THEY PLAY THE GAMES!
Enough grading and lambasting. That concludes the official MIISFFL season preview! Stay tuned for "Fatties Figure," when Kent and Dewey will make predictions that I can guarantee will be 100% wrong or your money back. Next time you hear from me will be after the first round of grudge matches concludes marking the official beginning of the MIISFFL season.
Here's to football! Here's to fantasy!
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