Meanwhile, on the gridiron, I'm just glad I'm not a Cowboys fan...
Or this guy...
Or this guy...
Or a Redskins fan....wait a minute...
Considering everyone went 0-for the week (yes, Kent that includes you), all we have left to fall back on is fantasy. Fortunately for us, 6 of us have to win. That also means 6 more of us have to lose. For those 6, just remember, it's not your fault.......
...actually it is, you drafted 'dem bums! Let's see how lousy ya did.
Our defending champ Eddie was looking good in his first week matchup with Peyton, Antonio "Kung Fu Kick" Brown, and Alshon Jeffrey forming a formidable keeper trio. However, Eddie would join a long litany of lamentations after the draft declaring his squad significantly sub-par compared to his championship winning team from a year ago. JP countered with probably the 2nd best QB to Peyton (Brees) and perhaps the top ranked RB on the board in Shady McCoy. Unfortunately for JP, their number were pedestrian and his flex play in Bernard Pierce got benched...probably because Harbaugh didn't want him to end up like Lil' Ray Ray in an elevator...or like anybody else on the Ravens who has ended up on a police blotter. For Eddie's worth, Peyton completed a hat trick to Orange Julius but really didn't do anything else, Jeffrey pulled a hammy, and as we all know Antonio kicked a kicker. Nevertheless it proved to be enough as Eddie squeaks by in his season opener.
Speaking of Lil' Ray Ray, his (former) owner paid an homage to his favorite felon by starting his own rap music label "Beats By Ray" (co-produced with former Baltimore basher Ray Lewis). Despite Rice being (originally) suspended for the first two games of the season, Dewey decided that it was in his best interests not only to take Atlantic City's favorite elevator crasher, but also to take Nick "Sticky Fingaz'" Foles and his partner in crime Jeremy "Mama didn't raise no foo'" Maclin, both from Phrendly-delphia. Foles and Maclin hooked up for a score, but that would be the only time the Beaters would find the end zone. He took on Jeff, who put on a consistent effort with TDs from Rodger and Cordarrelle Patterson and big yardage days from Graham and Dennis Pitta. He had the game won even before he could drop the double Monday Night hammer of Fitz and Woodhead.
In one of the more anticipated matchups of week 1, Tom declared victory before the match had even kicked off, touting his draft grade of A, and his declaration that his extreme team "Kent Touch This," because we all know that fantasy football games are won on paper (they are?). While Tom was celebrating, Kent ended up dominating, posting the first high score (166) for the season with 7 total touchdowns and lots of yardage bonuses. Tom got a huge game from Stafford on Monday Night, but by then it was way too little way too late. For his part, Tom acknowledged his vanquisher with a respectful withdrawal of the "Kent Touch This" moniker, but then proceeded to remind Kent that he lost in the semifinals last year by 8.62 points, and that he would see him again at League Meeting week later in the season.
Your humble commissioner just did something he has not done in the last 4 years: win in week 1! Yes, it has been a long time coming. Since I won, that meant that somebody had to take it hard, and that somebody was Gaz, who play the old Caputo line of "my draft was garbage, I'm mailing it in for the season, yada yada yada." While that might be a sound strategy on Gaz's part, it did not help that only 4 of his starters reached double digits. He had the double dipper on Monday night with Floyd and Cruz, but the two of them only combined for 20 points total...when he had a 38 point deficit he was trying to make up. On the other side, the commissioner showed flashes of his championship winning days thanks in no small part to Orange Julius (the class of the 2013 free agent pool) dropping a 34-burger on the Colts. Could this be a start of a commissioner's resurgence...or just delaying the inevitable failure?
Sean extended his regular season winning streak to 5 games winning by 5.33 times his projected margin of victory of 8.62 over Patrick. Sean was so enamored with that number, by the time he had opened a 20 point lead, he sent a mass text message from <<insert name here>>-stan to tell his team to call off the dogs and let Patrick catch up. La'Veon Bell purportedly responded, "Sorry, Coach, can't do it. We got the Redskins practice squad over there, got to lay on the hurtin'!" And lay on the hurtin' they did, knocking out Jordan Reed with a sore hammy and leaving just about everyone else battered and bruised to the tune of a 41 point win. RGIII is warming up on the sidelines...no wait a second, he just popped his ACL again.
Finally this week, welcome to the league, Chris! Hope you enjoyed your baptism by Megatron. Zach made the inexplicable decision to draft Tony Romo, and he was handsomely rewarded with 3 interceptions in the first half, giving Dez Bryant a sore back (among other ailments). However, 58.5 points combined from Calvin and AJ Green more than made up for Romo's misdeeds. On the other hand, Chris's keeper trio of Lacy, Nelson, and Rivers (who still has yet to defeat the University of Maryland) combined only for 32.3 points. In fact, while Julius was scoring all the TD's in Denver, Demaryius ended up being the forgotten Thomas, not quite getting to 7 points. Jordan Cameron, Reuben Randle, and the kicker only combined for 8 points. Chris may have to do some roster retooling if he wants to be competitive in 2014.
Football is back fella's, and the mashup is in midseason form! Let's keep this party going next week as we feature:
Eddie vs. Zach (2013 and 2011 champs square off to determine who will NOT win this year)
Nick vs. Sean (Sean hopes 8.62 is not all he scores next week)
Kent vs. Jeff (Jimmy Graham: "166? I got that all by myself!")
Patrick vs. Tom (This week, Patrick's punishment will be to show up at Ravens headquarters, sing Hail to the Redskins...and hope he doesn't get a black eye)
JP vs. Chris (JP hopes to channel his inner Brees the way Nick did in 2009)
Dewey vs. Gaz (Gaz tries to trade for Dez Bryant, Dewey throws in Ray Rice to even the deal)
Hope you enjoyed this edition of the mashup. See you all next week!
No comments:
Post a Comment