And I'm not talking about me............
HOWEVA'!
None of that compares to the the turmoil experienced in MIISFFL this week. The week started with one of the most Xtreme plays in the history of the Free Agent Acquisition Budget. As they say in the old country...a picture's worth 1,000 words...but not quite $1,000.
In case you were not aware, our FAAB here at MIISFFL is in fact $1,000. And yes, Mr. Back backed that thang up with a $951 splurge. The Justin Forsett FAAB fund thanks you for your monopoly money contribution. In his words, the Extreme Team needed an Xtreme Makeover...but there are no brand new homes behind these buses.
Oh but this week was worthy of an extreme makeover in more ways than one. The line of fantasy stars headed to the M*A*S*H unit is quite extraordinary. Look at this list of names who have either already been hurt or are headed that way:
Alshon Jeffrey
Robert Griffin III
Jordan Cameron
Jamaal Charles
Knoshown Moreno
DeSean Jackson
Brandon Marshall
OK, so I'm a bit bitter since two of those guys BELONG TO ME...and check who was on my bench!
Antonio Gates
James Jones
Andy Dalton
Knile Davis
Darren Sproles
That's 133 points right there, but more on that later.
If you want to change the channel, now would be a good time, because here come the match recaps.
"The dominant continue to dominate (smiley face)." --Eddie, September 15th, 2014.
I guess that depends on what your definition of "dominate" is, but if you're talking about this year's first edition of the Futility Bowl, then I guess Eddie is right on point. After dispatching Chris in Week 1, Zach got a little taste of his own medicine in only putting up 65 points in a 14 point loss to Eddie. AJ Green contributed to the cause coming down with a bad case of the turf toe and his top scorer was a rookie. That's about all you need to know for Zach's side of the ledger. So Eddie kicked his @$$, right? Notice I said that it was a 14 point loss. Alright math majors, what does that mean? Yep, Eddie "dominated" this Futility Bowl with a whopping 79, and if you take Peyton out of the picture, Eddie's squad doesn't even register on the Richter Scale. Hakeem Nicks tried his hardest on Monday night to drop Eddie even futher below the Mendoza Line (1 catch for -4), but even he couldn't match the futility that was Mexico's Vick in a Box. Peyton ends up paying dividends in ways even Eddie could not have expected when he kept him in the 1st round.
Did I mention that I left 133 points on the bench? That 133 alone would have outscored all but 3 players in MIISFFL this week. So while Sean is shouting, "I'M NOT MEDIOCRE," he should be stockpiling his horseshoes, rabbits feet, and 4-leaf clovers, as Nick's Notorious Nine made Zach's squad look like a bunch of world beaters. While Sean's 93 may not have qualified this for a Futility Bowl, his charges still only racked up 3 total TDs, which is still one more than the commissioner's starters totaled. Knowshon's bent elbow and Jamaal's "high ankle sprain" pretty much put the ka-bosh on any designs I might have had at victory. On the other hand, Sean's bench management ended up being superb...leaving only 34 points on his bench as he started nearly his optimal lineup. Sean runs his winning streak now to 6 as the dominant continue to dominate by not cracking triple digits.
Speaking of triple digits, lost in the dearth of scoring was the one match in which both contestants happened to crack the elusive 100 point plateau. Warden Dewey led the general population to a 152-108 victory to Life Coach Gaz's advocates of...uh...free expression. Dewey might have formally cut ties with Ray Rice, but his pugilistic influence clearly carried over as Dewey wins his first weekly scoring pot. Only one of his starters failed to hit double digits, and that was Percy Harvin who had 9.8. Gaz on the other hand has fallen into the abyss at 0-2, despite 24 from Arian Foster. Gaz will be looking for different motivational tools in Week 3 as nothing can be more deflating than losing big to a team named for a guy who beats his wife in a casino elevator.
Miraculously, shockingly, almost disturbingly, Patrick found a way scrape together 141 points to paste the Justin Forsett Memorial team. The XFL folded after one year, and now we see why, as despite all of Tom's preseason bravado, he has now lost twice...and lost big each time. Despite RGIII's dislocated ankle (did I mention bench management?), Alfred Morris did not concede to the touchdown vulture this time scoring twice, and had 20 point performances from Walker, Luck, and Arizona D as well. Is this just a flash in the pan for the squad universally agreed to have the weakest team with all those Redskins, or a sign of something better? Kirk Cousins is available on the waiver wire this week. I believe the over/under on how much Patrick will be bidding is in the $425 range, making him only half as valuable as Justin Forsett.
Oh you mean the Redskins don't play Jacksonville every week? Gosh darn it...
Chris breaks his MIISFFL maiden with a 60 point Ray Rice-ing over JP. After being Ray McDonalded by Zach in Week 1, Chris survived a doughnut by Dwayne Allen thanks in large part to the Patriots defense Adrian Petersoning Petersonless Vikes. For the second week in a row, Shady McCoy played second fiddle to Darren Sproles (did I mention he was on my bench) in the Eagles blur attack, but still ended up being the high scorer on JP's squad. Underperformances by JP's wideout tandem of Smith and Williams, and a huge pick by Brees contributed to his Caputo-Campbell-and Johnson-esque point total. JP now sits at 0-2 with Gaz and Vince McMahon as rumor has it that Blake Bortles on the sidelines warming up...just as a precaution.
Finally this week, Jeff did in fact bomb.com all over Kent's face, as Sean so eloquently put it. Kent was once again cursing the referees after a Colts loss on Monday night, and cursing Kirk Cousins as Pierre Garcon only had 4 targets against the Jags (but he did catch one of them). Meanwhile, the bomb squad was in classic midseason-only-to-falter-later form thanks to a couple of 30-burgers from Graham (who did not dunk the ball over the goalpost) and Rodgers (who realized playing the Jets is fun). Jeff needed to be reminded that he won on Tuesday as he was already seen at the local liquor store buying cases of champagne ready to pop with his mom bombs when the Orioles' magic number reduces from 1 to 0 tonight. His fantasy prospects going forward are tenuous at best.
That's it on those match recaps. Let's hope for a little more offense next week as we feature:
Eddie-Sean (Matchup of "dominating" undefeateds is the first rematch of last year's title game)
Zach-Jeff (The classic battle: Cabernet Savignon vs. Dom Perignon)
JP-Dewey (Buc Bowl Round 1)
Patrick-Chris (The only two combatants in the league who have yet to meet face to face)
Tom-Gaz (Is this the Forsett Bowl or just the Toilet Bowl?)
Nick-Kent (Need I say more?)
Week 3 is coming fast. Hold on to your butts.......
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