Unfortunately Kent had to call out of our weekly engagement at the bar this week due to a perceived illness. However, we all know he had to put himself on injured reserved (designated to return) because of this:
I am happy to report that the surgery went well. Kent's looking conservatively at 3-5 weeks with rehab, and we should expect him making the same mistakes again in no time at all.
That got me to thinking, we have had quite a few ailments going around the MIISFFL universe lately. Therefore, I believe it is necessary for the Mashup to call in our on-site physician Dr. Cicholas Naputo, who specializes in infectious diseases, sports medicine, and whatever misbehavior Kent happens to get himself into. Dr. Naputo, take it away!
Alright folks, unbeknownst to all of you, I have been conducting a thorough examination of all of your habits, tendencies, idiosyncrasies, moles, lesions, and anything else you were not aware of until I entered your life. These diagnoses might stun you all. Don't shoot the messenger.
Kent-See above.
Eddie-I'm afraid you have standard hypertrashtalkism. It's no wonder you were complaining about the lack of trash talk over the weekend. So much pent up frustration, such as this.
--"Quarterback Sack! QuarterBALL Sack! BALL SUCK IT! SUCK IT ALL OF YOU!"
Sean-Due to all of your travels to countries that none of us would ever want to visit, you have West Nile Virus, West India Virus, West Japan Virus, West Pacific Virus, West Atlantic Virus and the worst of all West Coast Virus, an affliction that forces you to keep prolific pass receivers on your bench. How else do you explain NOT starting DeSean Jackson this week?
Jeff-Athlete's Foot, but not just any athlete's foot. All that marathoning has brought upon you a fungus that has yet to be identified, but is so contagious that it spread to your fantasy team Tampa Bay Buccaneers Style, forcing the clubhouse manager to spray for microbes, spores, parasites, and anything else you can't see without a microscope. Needless to say, your team took the week off. Can't say I blame them.
Zach-You've got classic Tony Romo Syndrome, an over-reliance on Tony Romo for fantasy purposes. Symptoms include sacks, interceptions, lost fumbles, and on days even when he does marginally well, he cannot crack 20 points.
Chris-Newton's Disorder. It's a shame Zach caught Tony Romo Syndrome...he had just fully recovered from his own bad case of Newton's Disorder. Symptoms are not quite as bad as Tony Romo Syndrome, but similar. The only difference is that long term effects can be more devastating, as you might never win a fantasy game again.
Tom-Poor Tom is still reeling from spendthriftitis. This is a classic boom and bust disease, like Vincent Jackson. Symptoms include massive bravado before even playing a fantasy game, getting pasted in first said fantasy game, going on tilt and blowing your FAAB on a 3rd string running back, and continuing the cycle of getting pasted in fantasy games.
JP-JP's got Yahooappaphobia, and pretty chronic case at that. It's the psychological issue of blaming Yahoo software, and technology in general, for his own shortcomings and failures as a fantasy manager. It's OK, JP, we'll take care of you...but only after you lose to all of us.
Patrick-Redskins Fever. It's OK, Patrick, this is actually a really good disease to have. It's highly contagious, and helps you win fantasy games, albeit with low scores, but who cares! They're wins! Sing with me now....HAIL TO THE REDSKINS..............<<cuts mic>>
Dewey-Dewey's gonna win the weekly this week...so as far as I'm concerned he's in perfect health lucky him. But you might want to keep an eye on that Dez Bryant guy, he's contagious!
Gaz-Whatever these guys got...disgusting. You better get that checked out.
And finally...Mr. Commissioner, you are suffering from...ahem...
Tryscadehcasupercalfragilisticmedialcolateralanteriorcruciaterhabdomyocardiojamaalocharlo-70 chip-H2N7-turfustoeusshinusplintusMRSAinduced-OW I PULLED MY GROIN!!!
---itis.
What is all that you ask? I have no idea! But I do know he's been suffering from it for over 30 years, and it explains a lot!
Thank you, Doctor. That was very insightful. Let's get to the match recaps!
Our rematch of last year's title game could have hinged on a couple of 20+ point receivers that both managers stashed on the bench a la commissioner Caputo. Despite that managerial oversight, neither side managed to put up spectacular numbers, but what this match had this time around (mirroring that OTHER championship rematch that took place this weekend) that the title game from 2013 didn't have was at least a mild level of competition. Sean did have Beast Mode pot 26 of his own, but Eddie had the counters of Antonio Brown and Old Man Peyton combining for 50 points between them. The rest of his charges provided consistent if unspectacular totals to help propel Eddie to victory, not needing the Monday Night hammer of Jeffrey. Eddie is 3-0, which he did not accomplish last season, but none of his wins so far this year have exactly been dominating. Is Eddie due for a fall? Am I setting him up for failure? You betcha!
Editor's note...when I did the schedule, I did not necessarily plan that our first championship rematch would take place at the same time as the Super Bowl rematch. Happy coincidence?
If fantasy football were decided by whose bench performed the best, well then I guess I would be a world champion. For the second consecutive week, the commissioner bungled the starting lineup as two more 20 point performers were left riding the pine, and 200 points combined for the last two weeks. Meanwhile, the same crew that hung 133 on the bench last week did not do much with their promotion. Gates, Sproles, Hilton, and Dalton combined only for 27 points between them. After a 30 point job last week against the best defense in all the land, Gates only was able to procure 1 measly target...1 TARGET! Hey, at least he caught it. Knowing my luck, I put him back on the bench and he erupts against the Jags...well, it is the Jags. Meanwhile, Kent is gifted the victory despite his insistence that he start Jay Cutler, and as we explained in our season preview, you live by Cutler, and you die by Cutler. Kent was not available for post game interviews as he was recovering from his medical procedure.
Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. You forgot the 3rd Cardinal Rule of Fantasy Football, and you are paying the price (behind don't autopick your draft, and don't start guys on byes). DON'T CALL YOURSELF A DREAM TEAM!
Let this be a lesson to all you young kids out there that whenever you declare yourself a "Dream Team," bad things happen to you. Just ask Mr. Young from his days in Philly. Well, Tom never heeded that advice as he falls to 0-3 on the season, and the only dream about his team is the pipe dream that he's going to have to live out in order to make the playoffs. Gaz (really, Gaz?) is the beneficiary as he finally gets off of his 0-2 schneid with a win behind big games from the Falcons on Thursday night. Matty Ice to Julio Jones was the universal hookup as the two combined for over 63 points on Thursday, which led Gaz to prematurely declare victory even before Sunday occured. As Tom looked to exact vengeance for that premature strike, Gaz started to eat his words, begin declaring failure all over again, and then the karma balance returned to normal and Gaz earned the 43 point blowout win.
Despite his attempts to afflict himself with every possible disease he could think of by drafting Ray Rice, I am happy to report that Dewey's immune system was able to fight off the invaders and claim victory over a hapless Bo Knows Techmo squad, winning the weekly pot as we already noted, his second consecutive. After a lackluster week 1 performance against Jeff, it certainly seems like Dewey has atoned for his draft day sins, putting together what right now appears to be a formidable team led by those idiots in green Nick Foles and Jeremy Maclin. But hey, I could shred the Redskins secondary if given the opportunity so take that for what it's worth. On the other hand, despite playing the "Blame Yahoo" card, JP did make the sweet pickup of the week nabbing Kirk Cousins, who nearly won fantasy Player of the Week honors, but he pulled a Caputo and left him on the bench. Now he's got a decision to make. Does he start Cousins over Brees? RGIII is not the only quarterback locked in a controversy with Kirk Cousins.
Despite the Redskins fever, Patrick somehow, miraculously has squeaked his way to 2-1 following a 88-76 win over Chris. This one was looking like this week's Futility Bowl for a while, but a 40-burger from Luck answered any questions somebody might have had about this one, Luck (and maybe just plain dumb luck) accounting for nearly half of Patrick's points. The rest of Patrick's team was mediocre, but then again, Chris's entire team ended up being mediocre. In what might be shaping up to be a boom or bust season for Chris each week, he backs up his 137 point showing in Week 2, with a performance that resembled Week 1. It has been a bumpy road for Nice and Smooth as he gets a great game out of Eddie Lacy one week, and he fails to show up the next. I would say also that Patrick is playing with fire winning like this...but as we know from his draft, he already got burned!
Finally this week, Jeff's squad, as we mentioned in the open, clearly had to take the day off due to illness. And the guys who did show up showed obvious signs of fatigue. They were coming down with all kinds of ailments. Rodgers got lionosis. Fitzgerald got food poisoning from some bad San Francisco Sourdough. Danny Woodhead had to be carted off with osteobillosis, and is lost for the season. Word on the street is that Jeff might forfeit next week just to get his guys healthy again, although that might be an exercise in futility (bowl?). As for Zach, his guys were just...eh. Romo only threw 1 interception (this time...), as he won more as a result of catching Jeff at the right time than because of anything HIS team actually did. Will he run out of fairy dust next week???
Speaking of next week...hide your kids! Hide your wife! Because everyone's got the sickness!
Eddie-Dewey (Current leader for the scoring title looks to take down defending champ for first time)
Kent-Zach (Zach catching Kent at a good time fresh off of sobriety test surgery)
Sean-Tom (Does the Xtreme Dream Team get off the schneid...or does the nightmare continue)
JP-Gaz (Gaz broke his maiden for the season. Will JP?)
Nick-Chris (If Nick's luck holds, Chris will blow him away by 60 this week!)
Patrick-Jeff (The most uninteresting matchup in all of fantasy this week)
I slay me, but not really, you don't really want to be playing with sharp objects like that. Stay tuned for week 4!
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