Somehow, some way, I have to find the inner strength to write a mashup this week. I'm just going to come out and say it. My team is awful. Simply dreadful. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It's not like I'm running into Jeff Newman style Mom-bombs every week, I'm just bad. KSo would be proud. After Thursday I felt like I made the pickup of the year snatching Ramses Barden off the FA wire, then watching him put up 20 points on Carolina.
Little did I know that that would be my highest scoring player of the week.
So, if you'll indulge me for a second, allow me to vent some grievances as I have encountered an 0-3 start in fantasy for the first time in my natural (or artifical) life.
Philip Rivers, you're no better than a greasy Philly cheesesteak, and you smell like one too. You lost 4 times to Maryland, and that will haunt you for the rest of your artificial life.
Roddy White, how can you possibly not have capitalized on the Chargers off day?
Peterson, that spot on the field that has a lot of paint in it, that's called the end zone. The objective is to actually run the ball in there. If you're going to beat my starting defense into submission and make them look like a Pop Warner second string, the least you can do is get in there once or twice.
Ingram, that goal line stuff you had in the season opener in 2011 is still fresh in your mind isn't it? 5 carries? I know the Saints pass a lot, but C'mon Man!
Finally, to the 49ers, the Vikings are trash. I know you should have allowed some to Peterson, but the whole idea was to make Christian Ponder look like Brandon Weeden. Now, not only did you not make him consider retirement like like you were supposed to, you made me consider STARTING him next week. EEEWWW!!! Cut 'em all!
OK, now that I got that off my chest, I feel like I should at least acknowledge the Mashup's newest competition: Fatties Figure. Kent and Dewey have sort of taken it upon themselves to make prognostications about MIISFFL this week. Yes, I understand that Yahoo's predictions are not exactly accurate, but you can rest easy that ESPN's aren't either, and neither are yours. That's the beauty of fantasy football. It truly is unpredictable. That's why I'm not in the prediction business. I'm in the match recap business.
So the defending champ finally won a game, but I guess it's fair to say that KSo would have been proud of this one. According to Fatties Figure, Zach predicted my game with Patrick would have been this week's Toilet Bowl. Well, I may have held up my end of the bargain, but Zach and Andy just had to wrestle the true Toilet Bowl title away. 147 points combined leads to one of the lowest scoring matches in league history (I hope you took the under on this one). Megatron putting up 30 was the big score Zach needed to edge Andy. Who knows? Maybe a Futility Bowl/Toilet Bowl/Basement Bowl win is exactly what the champ needs to right his ship.
Kent turned the tables on his Yahoo projections and for at least one week is perfect in predicting himself to win in Fatties Figure, diffusing the Mom-bomb 154-91. This score in many weeks would be good enough to take home the scoring pot for the week, but as we will see, this didn't even come close! Despite benching one of his team's namesakes, Wes Welker (the other namesake) did his part putting up 20 points, but it was Dwayne Bowe registering 28 and the Cardinals' defense posting 33 that allowed the 2010 champ to pull away. MoJo Drew exploded for the Bomb Squad with 28 points, but Tony Romo's 5 point reversal of fortune sent Jeff the other way. Mommas don't raise their sons to be Cowboys for a reason, Jeff.
As I have already lamented, Caputo's Corner starts 0-3 (and in a dreadful way) for the first time in his fantasy career. The beneficiary this time is Patrick Small, who decided to buck conventional wisdom and start Robert Griffin III, who through the first 2 weeks was making a play for fantasy MVP. Turns out this time Peyton outscored Griffin, who was in the negatives well into the 3rd quarter against the Bungles (the BUNGLES!). Rivers and his big score of -0.88 did not help matters for Caputo's Corner as his last minute waiver pickup on Thursday (Ramses Barden) turned out to be his high scorer for the week, as I have already lamented. Christian Ponder's 29 on the bench may not have helped Caputo's Corner win this week, but now with Rivers playing like he did at NC State against Maryland, it leaves me with plenty of decisions to make as I try to salvage something of what's left of my season.
In somewhat unspectacular fashion, JP upended Sean 83-77. Bo may know Techmo, but I think there was some dust on the cartridge as neither team could get anything going significantly. Aaron Rodgers and Michael Vick continued the theme of poor quarterback scoring this week registering 5.38 and 4.52 below zero respectively. However, JP had compensation from Ray Rice (25) and Torrey Smith (29). Heath Miller posted 22 for Sean, but he did not get another big contributor like JP did. Despite the win, JP is having his Nintendo sent to GameStop this week to make sure it works in anticipation of 140 points next week...oh wait he's playing Caputo's Corner. That won't be necessary.
In somewhat of a surprise move, Patrick Deegan emphatically takes home this week's scoring pot, hanging 192 on the previously undefeated Gaz. It did not matter what buttons Gaz tried to push this week, Deegan's squad was clicking on all cylinders. 5 players all scored north of 20 points, including a 40-burger from the previously MIA Jamaal Charles. Even Deegan's bench racked up 72 points by themselves. Gaz may have been schooled this week, as well as, emaciated, emasculated, and embarassed, but the real question is did Patrick blow his entire wad in one game? Or will they still have something left in the tank for the rest of the season as he now shoots within 5 points of the overall scoring lead.
Speaking of the overall scoring leader, that OTHER commissioner (Dewey) suffered his first defeat of the season, losing by just a fraction to Tom. Matt Schaub (the supposed reject from Dewey's squad) led all scorers in this one with 30, but Tom put up a typlical balanced, yet unspectacular scoring display across the board. It was just enough to hold off Dewey, who got underwhelming performances out of guys like Demaryius and Frank Gore (did I mention that the Vikings were trash?). Nevertheless, 105 points for Dewey is just enough to hold off the hard charging Deegan and maintain his lead in the race for the overall scoring title just 3 weeks in. Just as an aside, this one is close enough so that if there is some type of scoring correction later this week, it COULD swing back in Dewey's favor. Just something to keep an eye on.
Week 3 is a wrap, so it's off to the waiver wire (again) as we look forward to Fatties Figure and these Week 4 matchups.
Zach-Tom (Does the champ have what it takes to get extreme?)
Kent-Dewey (Fatties Figure Bowl)
Gaz-Sean (The most fierce battle in NoVA since the Civil War)
Patrick Small-Patrick Deegan-(Patrick Bowl...although I'm sure you figured that one out by now)
Nick-JP (All JP needs is an Atari for this one)
Jeff-Andy (Andy's first encounter with the Mom-bomb)
That's what we got this week. I sincerely hope that I will not be opening up next week's Mashup with another lamentation.
Sincerely,
Commish
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