MWAHAHAHAHAH! This is Count Caputula! Blah! Welcome to the 8th week of the SCARIEST Fantasy Football League this side of Pennsylvania! This week, all of your worst nightmares will come true, blah, featuring the most frightening legend of all, the dreaded...
CURSE OF THE KENT!
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Legend has it that when the Kent proclaims you to be the victor, great fantasy misfortune will fall upon you. If you need evidence, consider this quote, blah.
"Nice win, man. I think it's you and I as prohibitive favorites." Kent to commissioner, following week 7 decisive victories.
Fantasy misfortune befell the commissioner! Blah! The curse also took hold of the Chicago Cubs as he said they might also win the World Series. But who cares about baseball anyway?
Blah?
Ah but the Curse of the Kent is not the only mysterious legend that takes root in our league. The Zombie Apocalypse must be upon us as the fantasy team that heavily favors the Washington NFL Football Franchise has ascended from the grave to assume the mantle of first place in all the land! Blah! How can they be stopped? We look at the spooky recaps while I go suck some air out of footballs and throw sex toys on a field!
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How did the champ do? In what was billed all week as the Futility Bowl to end all Futility Bowls, the scores ended up being actually mildly respectable (mildly). if only because Sean decided to take Patrick's advice and start a couple of Redskins, winning 127-93. Fortunately for Sean, one of them happened to be Jamison Crowder, who is quietly emerging as a fantasy dark horse this season despite being dropped and added more times than Robert Horry in the NBA (but at least he has championships). Derek Carr was the superstar in this one with over 500 yards and 4 touchdowns as Sean takes care of JP the way that most teams (except for Zach...how could you???) have taken care of JP this season. JP fails to crack 100 again this week, and is it too soon to say JP is on the clock?
Game of the Week As mentioned by the esteemed Count in the prologue, Patrick and his fetish for the Redskins has once again paid off as he is partying like its 2012, defeating Chris 145-107. Back then the stars were RGIII and Alfred Morris. This season it's Jordan Reed and Kirk Cousins (who was on the bench this week when he could have started for a LOT of teams). Aaron Rodgers more than picked up the slack with a 38 spot. Blake Bortles may very well be the worst quarterback in football, but he still earned 35 garbage time points for Chris in a bye week flier with Ben the Rapist off this week. It didn't matter as Patrick seems to have the (burgundy and) gold touch once again this season at 6-2. Chris is in an unfamiliar position at 4-4 and 2 full games out of first place with 6 to play, and his season schedule done against the AFC front-runner. He will need to get some wins and some help down the stretch if he wants to make it 3 for 3 in division titles since joining the league in 2014.
Blowout of the Week I'll just let Aw-shucks Eddie take it from here:
"You're welcome for the best 'blowout of the week' segment you've ever written. My whole team is on bye. It's pretty ugly."-Eddie to commissioner following worst scoring output in FFL history.
We constantly poke fun at JP's scoring ineptitude in the role of defending champ, but even JP can't say he has done THIS bad. Eddie was having somewhat of a resurgence this year after Peyton Manning fueled title game runs in 2013 and 2014, and a dud season in 2015. He was 5-2 and in a fairly decent position in terms of points scored. Then week 8 happened, subordinating himself before his master Jeff 143-55, FIFTY-FIVE! Jeff is reverting to his old boom or bust days in the early history of the league as he took advantage of a Soups On squad that this week officially passed its expiration date. Jeffrey and Diggs scored TDs on Monday night to save Eddie a little bit of face, but no matter. The team that currently holds the record for longest winning streak in Fantasy history now takes the mantle for worst 1-week scoring output, at least of this season, and I'll have to check the archives to see if it is in fact an all-time record. Despite the win, Jeff is still only 3-5 and with the division leader at 6-2, still faces an uphill battle for a playoff spot. Despite the embarrassment, Eddie still remains in a 3-way tie with Nick and Dewey for first place in the NFC at 5-3, as that division is looking this year like the one to watch down the stretch.
The Futility Bowl Zach defeated Kent 130-72, but this one was like a Blake Bortles start, lots of points in Garbage time. Going into Monday night, Zach held a mere 88-66 lead, and in another Monday night game that will NOT go into the history books as the greatest football every played, Zach cashed in with 42 combined from Jordan Howard and Zach Miller. The glaring hole in Kent's lineup this week was Mark Ingram, who lost a fumble in the first quarter, and did not play again for the rest of the game. Recent trade acquisition Mike Evans did not produce as expected (but what else would you expect from a Buc? Just ask JP.), and 6 of his 9 starters failed to crack double digits. If it were not for Eddie's ineptitude this week, Kent would be next in line for exile to Pennsylvania.
This week's other results
Nate (4-4) defeated Nick (5-3) 126-95
Dewey (5-3) defeated Tom (3-5) 133-104
Weekly Pot Winner: Patrick (145 points)
As of right now, Nick remains in first place in the NFC as all three 5-3 teams are 1-1 against each other and tied in the division record loss column. Nick holds the commanding lead in points scored, 58 over Dewey and 137 over Eddie. Nick plays Dewey and Eddie next in weeks 12 and 13, and Eddie plays Dewey next at the LEAGUE MEETING in Week 11.
Next week, will the Curse of the Kent return? Will Eddie properly inflate his team? Will Patrick win? The Redskins are on BYE!!!!! Blah! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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