It's Election Day! Vote for me! Seriously, you know I'd be better for the job than either of those dimwits whose names are actually on the ballot. In fact, I'd vote for any one of you guys for President, except for you, Kent. If you get elected, it's hopeless. But there are several offices I think each and every one of you would be quite suited for, and you would earn my vote in a heartbeat!
Kent-Director of the Office of National Trump Control Policy. As the official watchdog of Donald Trump, and villain of MIISFFL, you would be most suited for keeping him in check throughout the next 4 years. At the very least, you can give him some tips for what to do with his hair.
Sean-President of Afghanistan. Heck, it seems like you've been there more often than this country. I'm sure they love you over there.
Eddie-Chief of the Never Nudist Colony. Dripping in modesty, and absent any sighting of Gaz since last December, somebody has to bear it all around here.
JP-Team Leader for Losers Anonymous (LA). You even managed to crack 100 this week and still found a way to lose.
Jeff-Executive Director of Runners World Magazine. But not for long, pal. See you in Richmond! If this Fantasy Football Commissioner's gig doesn't work out, I at least have that to fall back on.
Zach-President of Mexico. You ain't paying to build no f***ing wall! As your running mate, you have selected Cam Newton, so long as he's not complaining to Goodell about Mexican Flags on the field.
Patrick-Owner of the Washington Redskins. Considering how you're managing your team, and how the real owner is managing his team, there's an office in Ashburn, VA with your name on it. Maybe you can find a way to keep the bubble from deflating over the practice field too.
Nate-Governor of Hawaii. Seriously, man. You know you want it. How can you turn it down? It's yours for the small price of Antonio Brown.
Dewey-Commissioner of the Drunken Degenerates Fantasy Football League. Actual executive position thrown in for variety.
Tom-President of Dads Against Dating my Daughter (DADD). JP is the Vice President, and Dewey is that guy banging on the door demanding entry into the meetings.
Chris-President of the Billy Madison Fan Club. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Nope, didn't work. His score remained the same this week.
Despite your new roles as commanders in chief of your respective organizations, you're also all still losers in your own special way. Onto the recaps.
How did the champ do? I guess JP is not TECHNICALLY eliminated yet being 5 games out with 5 games to play, but I'm pretty sure his season is for all intents and purposes is over. So starting next week, he is no longer the champ. This item will officially be discontinued (Sorry, JP. Dem's the breaks). If by some act of Gaz he starts partying like it's 2015 again and he crawls back into it, we will resurrect the item. As for this week, it was Eddie's turn to take advantage, finishing off the season sweep 131-119. JP actually started his near-optimal lineup, but to no avail as Eddie had double-digits across the board except for FLEX, K, and D/ST. This did happen to be only 1 of 2 matchups with both teams cracking triple digits, so it doubles as the Game of the Week. Eddie is firmly in the NFC mix at 6-3, tied for first place at this moment.
Game of the Week The next-best GOTW nominee goes to Zach destroying Jeff by a score of 157-107. Yep, it was that kind of week across the board. Feast or famine for everybody. Zach feasted, and will be putting that extra $5 he won toward the wall he will be building as.....oh wait a minute. A couple of 30-spots from Brees and Gordon proved to be the difference as Jeff could only counter with the American Kneeler. At 6-3, Zach is in the wild card mix and only a game back of the division lead. At 3-6, Jeff is in deep doo-doo and better hope he can outrun the commissioner in the Virginia because a loss on Saturday means Jeff drops to 3-7 and his season is all but over.
Blowout of the Week I'm sure we once again will never hear the end of Kent's incessant rambling about how wonderful he is at Fantasy Football taking Tom behind the woodshed once again by a count of 140-76. His strategy of hoarding running backs using the FAAB is grinding everyone's gears, but he will counter with his knowledge of advanced metrics and "being so good at the draft." He spends so much time managing his fantasy football teams, it makes you wonder what he does with the rest of his week (Hmmmmmmm.....). Give him credit though, he knew that Mark Ingram did his penance for his dropsies last week. The only thing he dropped was 32 on the Niners. Kent does earn a measure of vengeance for his previous defeat at the hands of Tom earlier in the season, and is now at 6-3, still staring up at Patrick, but firmly in the mess for Wild Cards.
The Futility Bowl Bye week blues descended upon the commissioner as he had to figure out what to do with both DJ2K and AJ10TD both taking a week-long vacation. The rag-tag bunch of misfits could only muster together a putrid 68 points, losing to Chris 81-68. Chris caught the commish at the perfect time with his studs on bye, only putting up 81 himself, doing himself no favors with zippo from Hurns. The player of the game, if you can call him one, was DuJuan Harris, an 11th hour flyer who ended up having the high player score of the game, but remembered he was in a futility bowl when he lost a fumble in the 2nd half. The commish's running back trio of McKinnon, Powell, and Barber fared no better, putting up 15.4 points combined between the 3 of them. Both of these jokers are now at 5-4 and on the outside looking in, but only 1 game out.
This week's other results:
Dewey (6-3) defeated Sean (2-7) 135-72
Patrick (7-2) defeated Nate (4-5) 97-90
Weekly Pot Winner: Zach (157 points)
Patrick is a game clear of the field in the AFC and Dewey moves up to first place in the NFC, holding the tiebreaker over Eddie for the moment. 4 teams are at 6-3 right now with 2 more at 5-4 so it's still a horse race for both the division crowns and the wild cards.
Next week, we have a new President, but the commissioner has a lifetime appointment and is unimpeachable. Take that, peons!
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