Menace Mashup 2013: Week 6

Recently, the Mashup underwent some sensitivity training, and as a result of this training we became aware that all of our team nicknames have been deemed offensive to various groups of people.  None of us want to offend anybody, even if it’s just one person, like Roger Goodell said (except for Philadelphia Eagle fans…they get a special exemption).  Therefore members of the newly formed MIISFFL sensitivity committee put their heads together and therefore by decree have changed all of our team nicknames, so that NOBODY gets offended.

Kinda Runny is now Kinda Movin’

The sensitivity committee found no fault with the first part of Patrick’s name, as it was a good blend between those who want to run versus those who don’t.  However, “Runny” was found to be directly offensive to older women who like to power walk.  Thus, in consideration of them, we changed the name to “Movin’” to respect their sensitivities. 

Caputo’s Corner is now Caputo’s Area

Yes, the name of our very own sponsor blog was found to be horrendously offensive to cowards in the corner.  The word “Corner” causes them to have fearful episodes and reminds them of frightening experiences that they never had.  The name “Area” is a more all-encompassing term and does not affect the sensitivities of this core demographic group.

Bo Knows Techmo is now Everyone Knows Everything

The sensitivity committee was not quite sure to whom this “Bo” referred.  Was it some sort of inside joke?  Is it a pun?  They were not quite sure.  However, it was concluded that Bo could be short for “Bohemian” and thus directly offending this ethnic group of Romania.  As far as Techmo, the vast majority of the reading population has no idea what that even is.  So the committee decided to honor everyone, because we all know that everyone does in fact know everything.

Giovanni Versace is now George Fancyclothes

This one was easy for the committee.  Giovanni?  How dare he use a classic Italian first name in such a blasphemous way!  George is more general of a name.  And Versace?  What about Calvin Klein?  Ralph Lauren?  These fancy and expensive clothiers deserve some recognition too.  We don’t want to give anyone the idea that we’re giving Versace any free advertising, so we changed the name to this more generic one. 

Never Nudes is now Undergarments Anonymous

The sensitivity committee is aware that we have taken liberties with Gaz’s team name since its inception.  Nevertheless, individuals who decide to simply wear undergarments as opposed to full-out nudity deserve some recognition as well.  However, in order to protect their names we decided to tack on the Anonymous part. 

 
Shadynasty Now is now Expressionless Sometimes
 
We don’t want to give anybody the impression that we are promoting one type of human emotion of their other.  So while Kent may think his team is nasty (emphasis on think), certain individuals may not agree.  Thus we just leave his team expressionless.  As far as the sometimes, we don’t have to be expressionless all the time, or never even.  So to account for those certain times we do feel any sort of emotion, we allowed Sometimes. 

 bomb.com/yourmom is now explosion.net/yourparent

Bombs are not the only things that explode you know.  You have grenades, Molotov cocktails, even M-80s.  We don’t want to discriminate on the basis of explosive charge.  By changing the top level domain to .net we don’t give the impression that we’re trying to sell something, and yourmom?  Hello, what about families that have two dads??  The committee didn’t spend too long on this one. 

 XFL-It’s Extreme is now FL-Out of Business

While we are fully aware that Tom is simply trying to pay homage to the now defunct Xtreme Football League, the committee wanted him to remember the long line of attempted competitors to the National Football League: USFL, AFL, AAFC, WFL, etc.  Why don’t they deserve any homage either?  The committee couldn’t give an answer to that so we wanted Tom’s name to honor all of them. 

 

ChipUpDog is now CheerUpBestfriend

The committee was not quite sure what the “ChipUp” referred to so we took our best guess at it.  And while dogs are supposedly man’s best friend, I’m sure cat lovers, bird lovers, and even goldfish lovers would disagree as they have a special bond with their best friends, even in times of trouble, like a bridge over troubled waters.  And let’s not forget about the pet-less ones.  They have best friends too, don’t they?

 

Mexico's Vick in a Box is now Latin America's Favorite Friend Killer

 

We would have added the "in a box," but the name would've been waaaaayyy too long.  Alas, we have to (in addition to our sensitivity training) make sure we are tough on crime...all crime, especially to crimes against our best friends, as Andy now would certainly take offense too.  Thus we feel the need to remind everyone that Michael Vick murders dogs (and in an unrelated story, Ray Lewis stabs people in the back). 

 

Soup's On is now Kitchen Chemistry

 

A not-so-tacit advertisement for Campbell's Soup Company is now a double-purpose name, serving anyone who wants anything to do with food, and those who prefer to do other hobbies in their kitchen besides cook.  Honestly the committee struggled with Eddie's team because he did a pretty good (albeit not good enough) job of attempting to be sensitive with his team name, but the indirect advertising just could not be overlooked.

 

Unknown Quantity is now……..Unknown Quantity!

You can’t get any more vanilla, dry, bland, and considerate of all possible groups of people like Sean’s team name has suggested.  The committee couldn’t heap enough praise on him.  Unknown: we can’t assume we know anything.  Quantity: There are so many questions without answers that we can ask about this one.  Sean, the MIISFFL sensitivity committee salutes you for selecting your team name with as much considerate thought as possible! 

Now onto the match recaps from Week 6.

Jeff's former mom bomb fizzled out in Week 6 (as he dreaded the return of the mashup this week).  Romo may have put up a 50-spot in Week 5, but against that vaunted Washington ******** defense, he couldn't even muster double digits.  Mr. Romo had high hopes and while the Farm Animal-Young Male Humans were able to hold off the Washington ******** in the game, the ex-mom bomb just didn't have enough explosive material.  Patrick didn't exactly go off either, power-walking to the finish line with only 108, but 25 from Brandon Marshall turned out the be the difference.

 

As we'll see, low scoring affairs were the name of the game this week as touchdowns were hard to come by.  Fresh off of his sensitivity training, Kent was rewarded with a hat trick from Knowshon Moreno...and a broken fibula for Randall Cobb who was promptly IRed.  Kent may have scored the victory this week against an underperforming Andy squad, but it's the CheerUpBestFriends who come away slightly happier in the long term because if fantasy sports were determined by players who survived critical injury, Andy would have won 8-7. 

 

Not much was expected out of Caputo's Area this week as he was going up against the newly christened Kitchen Chem-nerds.  In what was supposed to be the QB battle of the year, Brees and Peyton went mano-a-mano and it was Brees who ended with the better day, but that was about all that went right for our humble commissioner.  The second highest score was by the kicker.  Throw in James Jones' shredded knee and the sub-par RB corps and Caputo's Area squandered a golden opportunity.  On the other hand, Eddie's only lament is that he might have lost out on his shot at the year's scoring championship.  Poor baby...

 

In the battle of Buccaneer Nation, JP tried to keep with the theme of low scoring for the week.  He must not have known as much as everyone else (either that or the NES wasn't working) as he was only able to muster 57 on the week.  Dewey may not have needed much, but he got far more than the average of the week as he was able to put up 136 behind 33 from the Chiefs defense and 21.5 from DAYsean Jackson.  This gives Dewey his first win since the opening week, and for the time being, puts his keeper fire sale potentially on hold. 

 

In the MIISFFL equivalent of a West Coast road trip, the only perfect name in the league (Sean) took on the discriminator of defunct football leagues in a high-scoring affair (at least by this week's standards).  Like Dewey, Sean gets his first win since week 1 backed up by a balanced effort led by the receiver to have nowadays in San Francisco, that would be former Maryland Terp Vernon Davis.  30 from V-Jax was not enough to overcome the donut in Tom's TE column as it's back to the library for him to make sure his team does not go the way of the USFL (or the Arena League). 

 

Bucking the low-scoring trend all together, the Zach/Gaz contest ended up being a slug fest, with Zach's squad being fed just a little bit more puppy chow.  Carolina Cam is back with a big performance against the Vikes along with more huge scores from Blackmon, Foster, and Ridley.  The new underwear restriction didn't seem to hurt Gaz's chances at first, but big scores from Lynch and Stafford were negated by off-days from Bell, Gates, and Cruz.  Would not have mattered though, as Zach takes home his first weekly scoring pot of 2013!

Next week:

Patrick-Gaz (Nerd Bowl)
Jeff-Eddie (Engineers Bowl)
Nick-Dewey (Commissioner's Bowl)
Tom-Kent (Badass Bowl)
Sean-JP (Pop Culture Bowl)
Zach-Andy (Best Friends Bowl)

Fin