The government is on the verge of
Thank you for that very important sponsor message. In light of recent events, it has been brought to our attention that despite the advertisement, MIISFFL Health Services has been declared insolvent and is currently seeking a bail out by the federal government. While that is winding its way through the legal system, let's take a look at what happened in football this weekend. This just in, Denver is good...really good. In other news, marijuana was just legalized in Colorado this year. Coincidence? This just in, Jacksonville sucks. In other news, Mayor of Jacksonville makes urgent phone call to Mayor of Denver asking for the secret recipe. Mayor of Denver concedes...but only after Jaguars come to Mile High and bend over for Peyton in two weeks. Report: Jacksonville considering seceding from the NFL in order to avoid torture.
Yes, we try to keep you on the cutting edge here at the Mashup. When something happens in the world, we're on it first, whether the Onion decides to cover it or not. You know what else we cover, the only official MIISFFL match recaps. And we got them right here!
The defending champion, Patrick-Runs-all-Over, underperformed this week. His opponent, Sean-the Mysterious-Amount, overperformed his projections by 17 points. That's all you need to know to know who won this slugfest. Yeah, it was Patrick. Sean was hamstrung by his money draft pick Aaron Rodgers being on bye and settling for Geno Smith. His call into MIISFFL Health Services is still getting a busy signal though as despite his overperformance, he still didn't get help from the likes of Bradshaw (deactivated) or Nicks (4.8 and a can of Kansas City whoop-ass). Patrick survived another subpar day by SuperSkins RG-Knee and Morris with his bruised baby backs by cha-chinging with 35 from old-man Gonzo. Patrick climbs back to .500 and Sean's week 1 win is a distant memory. The real A-rod will be back next week.
Going into the Monday night affair, Dewey held a fairly comfortable 30 point lead over Jeff, but there was one problem. Jeff signed half of the New Orleans Saints to his roster. Smart move as it turned out as Sproles, Graham, and Colston combined for 69 points and took Dewey's large lead and turned it into a 33 point drubbing. To add icing on top of the cake, Jeff's total of 166 takes the Week 4 scoring award, his first of the season. Once the Monday game got started, Dewey resigned himself to defeat, offering to "take one for the team" as he said so that his significant other would win in her league. All he asked for was a donut from Graham. Then he watched Graham score. We won't delve into what Dewey did next; that is a personal matter. Despite Dewey's large score after Sunday, he could have used some help from Ryan Broyles, who didn't tally a single catch in Detroit, and Doug Martin's 1st round keep is looking more and more like a bad move as their is movement to mutiny in Tampa and Dewey's fantasy team is taking its lumps right along with them. Jeff is 3-1 tied for the top in the Pub Dogs Division with...........
Senor Salsa Dance himself. Yes that would be Mr. Gaz, who rebounded quite nicely from a pitiful Week 3 performance which left many league members wondering if Gaz would even compete let alone make the playoffs in 2013. However, in the reactionary world that is fantasy football, Gaz put those haters to sleep thanks in part to the one Giant who did anything yesterday in the Kansas City Barbeque Beatdown: Cruz who put up 30. It was just another day at the office for Lynch, Forte, and Gates who all combined for 65 points of Gaz's 144 point total. On the other hand, Andy, despite his best efforts, could not duplicate his statement win over division leader Tom from last week. What's that you say? Oh that's right we have our first bye week casualty as Andy forgot that Jordy Nelson was playing golf on Sunday instead of football. Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered anyway because Snelling, Myers, and Rice all combined for a whopping total of 6.
Commissioner's Corner is on a winning streak! For the second week in a row, your humble correspondent using a little Monday Night magic to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. My point total isn't all that impressive, but I am 2-1 in the division hehehe. This time it was old reliable. Mr. Brees, who brings back some happy memories for the commish from 2009, did work last night to the tune of a 40-burger over the Dolphins and a 20 point win for yours truly. Tom's team severely underperformed thanks to peanuts from Stevie Johnson (not in the game plan), Run DMC (injured), and V Jax (part of the Tampa Bay Mutiny...there's a little XFL for ya!). Ah yes, but it was nobody on his team that is responsible for the defeat, no no. He lost because Drew Brees is not compassionate. Of course he was trying to simply run up the score to embarrass the lowly 3-0 Dolphins, that dirty cheater. Let's not forget that Brees in on my payroll. After all, if the Saints can't put real bounties on people's head, they might as well just take it out on the scoreboard.
For a long time on Monday night, it looked like a foregone conclusion that Eddie would vault past Zack behind the legs of Lamar Miller. He kept creeping closer and closer and closer. By halftime he had closed to within 2 points and Zach was reeling. Then the Brees Machine took over and Miami abandoned the running game. Eddie is making inquiries with Tom into whether or not the Saints should be penalized for bad sportsmanship by running it up on the marine mammals, taking any semblance of a running game out of the playbook. Eddie was stuck on 132 and Zach survives with 133 in the nailbiter of the week. I hear MIISFFL Health Services provides benefit for chewed fingernails to go along that severed digit insurance. Zach may want to look into that. Oh and by the way, Alex Smith ended up defeating Peyton Manning in this one. That's got to count for something, right?
We save the best for last...sort of. The most historic rivalry in all of MIISFFL is the titanic clash of JP and Mr. K. After a defeat on Monday night last week, JP was determined not to fall into the abyss of 1-3. He was buffered by the return of REGGIE REGGIE REGGIE. Combine that with big scores from Torrey Smith and Stafford, and JP had a comfortable lead going into Monday Night. Kent had Charles Clay going last night, who contributed to the cause with a receiving touchdown, but there was just too big of a hill to climb. The classic Kent trash talk is on mute as he falls to 2-2, 1-2 in the division. Laryngitis is also covered by the MIISFFL Health Plan. Kent might want to look into that. The Greene Turtles is turning into an uphill slog for almost everyone, as 5 teams are currently 2-2.
That's a wrap on the recaps for this week. Be careful out there in fantasyland, you have no idea how you're going to get hurt next week. We triage everyone for next week:
Patrick-Kent (Does the Kent machine rebound against the defending champ?)
Nick-Andy (Can the commish rebound from 0-2 to take control of the division?)
Jeff-Gaz (Who has the ball last in this battle of 3-1s?)
Tom-Dewey (Will somebody find the end zone here?)
Sean-Eddie (Will Peyton win it single-handedly?)
JP-Zach (Can JP survive Carolina Cam fresh off a bye?)
Stay tuned next week for another episode of General MIISFFL Hospital!
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