Deion Sanders-Anybody who wears that much bling on a regular basis, and also attempts to moonlight as a baseball player, and who calls himself "prime time" must automatically qualify for zombie-dom.
Warren Sapp-For this (FF to 28 seconds):
Jay Cutler-He looks like death and always seems to be in agonizing pain. However, his proclivity for being charitable toward opposing defenses keeps him from being an absolute zombie-lock.
Keyshawn Johnson-JUST GIVE HIM THE DAMN BALL! Only zombies say that.
Dez Bryant-You all saw he tried to eat Jason Witten alive on Sunday, right? Why didn't NFL Films publish that one?
Terrell Owens-Do I need to explain this one? Really?
Adrian Peterson-Can you explain his supernatural return from a shredded knee in 2012? Me neither.
Recently our team has been focusing on Peyton Manning for his seemingly superhuman abilities throwing touchdown passes, yet at the same time avoiding injury only two years removed from career-threatening neck surgery. However, we have decided that the most likely candidate for Zombie status in the NFL today is Calvin Johnson.
First, the nickname: Megatron. Not only is that name pure evil, had he been Jason Witten's teammate instead of Dez, he would have attempted not only to eat Jason Witten, but the entire Cowboys roster and coaching staff (saving Jerry Jones for dessert). As it stood, he did devour the entire Cowboys secondary (and $#!+ them out when he was done). 14 balls for 329 YARDS and a touchdown?!?!?! He laughs in the face of double teams and strikes fear into anybody playing the position of cornerback or safety. Until yesterday, the official title of "Cowboy Killer" went to Santana Moss. However, Mr. Santana will respectfully yield that crown...lest his entire family be buried alive by Megatron's (gloved) hands.
Yes, folks, Megatron is owned by Kent, who after suffering a close Monday night loss in week 7, needed just about all of Megatron's season-high 46 points (highest by any player in the league this year) to deal Eddie (who happens to own Peyton by the way) a blow to his attempt at being the scoring champ and #1 seed in the MIISFFL playoffs. Had it not been for a lost fumble, Megatron could very well have hit the 50-burger. How did Peyton do, you ask? 354 and 4 TDs against the woeful Redskins D...but that total include 3 picks (1 taken all the way back), 2 sacks, and a fumble. Peyton had great numbers, but at times looked downright pedestrian. Megatron...not so much. Kent did not in fact meet his demise last week in his lost to Tom (much to Eddie's chagrin), and now joins the top pack in the league at 5-3.
Speaking of Tom, fresh off his vanquishing of Kent, he looked to exact vengeance over the commish who scored his first win of the season over the XFLers, and was looking for the season sweep. Things looked good in the early going as Drew Brees did his best Peyton impression (2nd highest individual score of the week behind Megatron), and even got a TD from Sunday morning pickup Daniel Thomas, but alas he must now come to grips that his draft strategy was in fact flawed (full blame goes to SI). Tom trailed by a point going into Monday night, and as much as I tried to channel Megatron to somehow send both Haushka and Wilson to IR before the game, it did not happen and Tom got just enough to earn the season split.
The defending champion looked to be in good position locking horns with a reeling Dewey squad who is back on Craigslist trying to unload his team. Unfortunately for Patrick, he had the other quarterback in the Denver-Washington tilt. Ugh... I'll never understand why the Redskins did not RUN THE FOOTBALL after Denver started to find its legs. Morris was having a great game! He had 15 points by the early 3rd quarter when the Redskins mysteriously stopped using him. Patrick suffered the brunt of that, not to mention Brandon Gibson bidding adieu to the NFL taking the lonely road to IR. Meanwhile, Dewey got double digits from 7 of his 9 starters (including a 30-spot from Kid Kaep) to slosh his was to 110 points and win that keeps him within a fair-catch kick of the leaders.
The magic of Gaz's naked zombies has been mysteriously absent this season, as he has slogged his way to a ho-hum 4-4 record with no spectacular scoring weeks. This despite his keeper crew included the likes of Salsa Cruz and Beast-mode. Going into the Monday night affair, Gaz only trailed Jeff by 2 points. So all he needed was Lynch and Jared Cook to show up. Well, they did, despite missing their airline connection and the bus to the stadium. They only scored 8 points between the two of them. Meanwhile, long gone are the days of Jeff's scoring prowess as his teams are routinely struggling to reach the 100 point plateau. 6 of his 9 players grossly underperformed, including AP who seems to have used up all of his zombie powers last year.
JP just cannot catch a break. His talent is undeniable: Greg Jennings, Kenbrell Tompkins, and Cecil Shorts just to name a few. However, Jennings can't get a quarterback, the coaches forgot about Tompkins entirely, and Shorts plays for Jacksonville. Add it all up and JP could not even crack 90 points for the low score of the week. The beneficiary this week was Andy who didn't exactly light up the scoreboard either. Nevertheless, he got just enough to edge out the win. And with the way scoring is down overall this year, 105 points will probably win more often than not.
Every week seems to have one nailbiter and this week it was between Sean and Zach, who duked it out in a back and forth affair that came down to Emmanuel Sanders needing 20 points on Sunday night against Oakland. And 20 points is exactly what he got. Sean squeaks out the 1 point win thanks to Sanders and 20-point plus scores from Aaron Rodgers (not Adrian Peterson) and Andre Ellington, who looks to be the new feature back in Arizona. Perhaps if Jason Witten was not preoccupied shouting back at zombie-wannabe Dez Bryant he could have caught a few more balls for the Cowboys and that might have put Zach over the top. Justin Blackmon plays for Jacksonville and there's not much more that can be said about that.
Let the fear sink in! Don't forget everyone that we are only 3 short weeks away from our annual League Meeting. The meeting is also our annual rivalry week. We will be at the Greene Turtle in Columbia on November 17th at 1PM. Come and watch fantasy fiends toss obscenities toward each other as they hope their own players don't fall prey to shredded ACLs, concussions, and other assorted ailments.
This week we have on the docket:
Patrick-Zach (The last two MIISFFL champs duke it out in a rematch of week 3)
Dewey-Andy (Can Andy get a deal at the Dewey fire sale?)
JP-Kent (Rematch of week 4 as JP looks to climb out of the cellar)
Nick-Gaz (Can the commish rebound and keep his clothes on?)
Jeff-Tom (Can Tom keep his winning streak alive against a struggling mom bomb?)
Sean-Eddie (The Pub Dogs division interests more Virginians than their gubernatorial election)
League Meeting: November 17th! BE THERE!
Done
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